• When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
  • Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
  • “Love is sharing your popcorn.” —Charles Schulz
  • Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
  • “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” —Anne Taylor Fleming
  • My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.
  • What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Can’t elope.
  • Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
  • Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left.
  • “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash
  • Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb? He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
  • To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
  • Two cannon balls got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.
  • “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” —Mignon McLaughlin
  • It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.
  • “Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” —Kathy Mohnke
  • Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.
  • I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
  • Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
  • “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” – Mark Twain
  • “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” —Milton Berle
  • “A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.” —James H. Boren
  • Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • When the pharmacist found out her husband was having an affair it was a hard pill to swallow.
  • Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.
  • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.
  • “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” —Toni Sciarra Poynter
  • “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
  • “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” —Rita Rudner
  • Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.
  • Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other periodically.
  • “Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” —George Burns
  • 12 speech-worthy wedding quotes for any crowd:
  • My wife tells me I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe a word she says.